More and more lately, I’ve been noticing a dichotomy developing between the life I wish I had and the life I actually lead. I want to be adventurous and interesting. I want to be thin and beautiful. I want to be endlessly compassionate and intelligent. I want to kick ass at my job and at my life every single day. I want to be a woman that my daughter will admire. I want to live for a hundred years and read every book and visit every country. I want to be perfect, and I don’t want to accept that that’s an unreasonable expectation.
In real life, I come home from work, put on my pajamas, eat leftover meatballs, watch three episodes of The Crown, eat a giant slice of cheesecake, and go to bed. I am utterly boring.
I have a very hard time acknowledging the positives in myself, and don’t you dare try to enumerate them. Seeing the positives in the world around me comes quite easily. I know all about my many many blessings.
I know the life I want to have, but I can’t stop feeling tired and listless. I even know some of the things that I could do to get there, but then I just don’t do them. I give in to my exhaustion and indulge my urge to be boring.
Maybe I should stop punishing myself. Maybe I should change. I don’t know which one is right.
Or maybe… Maybe I should just keep faking it. Maybe I should stop looking at other people’s online edited lives and being overwhelmed with envy. Maybe I should remind myself that there are a lot of people who are just as boring as I am most days. There might even be people who look at my edited online life and feel envy.
I don’t have the answers. The only thing I know is that every day, I get to make choices. Everyday I can choose self-love or self-loathing. I can be easy on myself, or I can be hard on myself. I can do what I’ve always done, or I can go against my instincts and just be happy.
Choosing happiness probably comes easy to most people, but in case it doesn’t, know that I’m right there with you. Know that you’re not the only one struggling to be okay with who you are. Know that you’re not the only one faking it. Eventually, we’ll make it, and that will truly be awesome.